


faking ren's funeral to dunk on shido: an exercise in testing goro's tolerance for stupidity

by orphan_account



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, Fake Character Death, Humor, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:35:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24709195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard of in his entire life.So of course they went through with it.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Kudos: 381





	faking ren's funeral to dunk on shido: an exercise in testing goro's tolerance for stupidity

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I think I cannot possibly write something more stupid than what I have already written, I go to prove myself immediately wrong.

It was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard of in his entire life. 

So of course they went through with it.

— — — 

The problem with the plan, Goro thought to himself as he watched Takamaki blubber hysterically and then throw herself over Ren's casket with such force that Goro knew she was going to bruise the next day, was there wasn't just a single problem with the plan.

Every aspect of the plan was a problem. The plan should have never existed at all, nevermind actually be put into action, yet the clever, dick sucking asshole managed to get everyone to agree with it anyway.

Dick sucking. That was another problem. The blowjobs were entirely too good, and Ren was entirely too unfair. That he chose to confront Goro about his planned murder bit after he'd given Goro the best blowjob he'd ever had in his life (It was the third one he'd ever gotten in his life, and the other two were also given by Ren) was downright malicious. Goro had been laying on his back on the paper thin excuse for a mattress that was Ren's bed, mind blissfully blank for once in his life, when Ren rolled to the side. He stared at Goro, lips still red and wet, and then casually asked Goro with a wrecked, husky voice if he was still planning to shoot him like he was asking Goro if he wanted to reciprocate with a handjob. 

If this plan didn't work, Goro decided, then he wouldn't allow Ren to ever give him a blowjob again. Mostly because if the plan didn't work, they'd all be dead, but it was the principle of the threat that was important. 

Sakura and Sakamoto were now pulling at Takamaki's legs, both of them sobbing with as much sincerity as the phrase, "I hope this helps," at the end of a business email. Goro tried to not clench his fists too hard and maintain an expression of acceptable sadness. He was, after all, still supposed to be playing the part of more-than-acquaintance-but-not-quite-friend to Ren in public, and secretly-the-guy-that's-going-to-stab-the-PT-in-the-back to any of Shido's goons that were watching. 

"How could this have happened," Sae Niijima said next to him, genuine sadness lacing her voice. That she found nothing strange about the behavior of Ren's friends or her own sister—and said sister hadn't moved a single centimeter since her arrival, nor had she changed her expression from something other than dismayed and constipated—sadly put her several rungs lower on Goro's respect ladder.

"I have no idea," Goro replied, rather proud of the fact that he was able to keep his voice level. "It's undeniably a tragedy."

The only tragedy was that he managed to let himself get talked into this abomination of a plan.

Sae sniffed, tears gathering at the corner of her eyes, and Goro wished desperately for a bolt of lightning to strike the entire funeral.

"Okay," Ren's voice came through on the tiny transceivers all the PTs had stowed away in their ears, "I think that might be overdoing it a little, guys."

Like puppets with their strings cut, Takamaki, Sakura, and Sakamoto suddenly stopped moving. Goro resisted the urge to smack himself. They had absolutely no convincing acting ability.

"Oh, Ren," Takamaki said, as much as a question to Ren as a declaration of...grief? It was hard to tell if she was trying to be seen as grieving or insane. "What _ever_ shall I do...with you...not here!"

Goro cringed and managed to barely cover it up by pressing a hand against his face and pretending he was trying not to cry. 

"You should let them bury the coffin," Ren said, voice tinny and staticky and so god damned unaffected that Goro was reconsidering not shooting him. "Before someone tries to open it, I mean."

No one was going to open the coffin. No one was stupid enough to open the coffin except the fucking Phantom Thieves, and it was a miracle they hadn't already tried.

"...Guys, you have to get off the coffin for them to bury it."

The fact that they hadn't been found out yet was irrevocable proof that God existed and He was cruel.

Haru Okumura whispered something to one of the many well-dressed people standing at the peripherals of the funeral, and in seconds, they began to lower the casket into the ground. She gave a speech as the empty casket sank into the earth in the same way that Goro's few hopes and dreams did. She spoke of Ren, of his friendship, of him helping her attain courage to move past her father's death, and Goro had to turn away at that part because she was unsubtly giving him the stink eye. 

Mortifyingly, he heard Sae sniff, and beyond her, one of Shido's goons was staring at him with a look that implied that he knew that Okumura was giving him the stink eye. Why was she giving Goro the stink eye? Surely Goro could not have done something so stupid as to let her know that he assassinated her father?

Goro stared back, careful to maintain some measure of dismay given the fact that he was out in public. The dismay was easy; he was in despair just by virtue of being in on the plan. He gave the goon a look that implied that he had no idea why Haru Okumura was giving him the stink eye. Maybe she was giving Sae the stink eye. Either way, it didn't matter, because Goro was not an idiot, hadn't let her know anything, and if the goon knew what was best for him, then he'd stop looking at Goro before Goro decided to head into Mementos and shoot his shadow in the face three times for shits and giggles.

The goon looked away. Goro felt a moment of triumph, but then he made the mistake of tuning back into Okumura's speech.

"Ren loved helping me with my garden," Okumura said, and the only virtue to her acting was that she was normally so meek and pathetic that she didn't need much to sound believably sad. "That's why I've decided to bury him in our backyard...so that he can be with my vegetables forever!"

Goro bit down on his tongue to keep from screaming.

This entire plan was bullshit. The fact that they were getting away with it was bullshit. That Goro Akechi, national darling and teenage assassin, was standing in the backyard of a man he murdered, listening to the daughter of said man give a ridiculous, demented speech about burying Goro's not-really-but-actually-maybe boyfriend in said backyard was bullshit. 

"He really loved her vegetables," Sae sobbed, and Goro was going to lose his shit if this continued.

Thankfully, his shit remained exactly where it was in his bowels as Okumura's speech wrapped up. The coffin rested at the bottom of the hole, and people started covering it up with dirt. Goro allowed himself a moment to relax, which was the second stupidest thing he did that day. 

Kitagawa, who had been stoic and silent and not constipated looking—a collection of feats that made him the most intelligent member of the Phantom Thieves present—suddenly pushed his way to the hole.

"I cannot contain this anymore," Kitagawa shouted. "I must make these feelings known!" Oh, no. "With Ren's death, I have finally discovered the true meaning of despair!" He fell to his knees. Goro prayed for the cruel God to smite them all. "But to have attained this knowledge when my muse is gone...! Oh, miserable world! Bury me along with him!!"

He threw himself dramatically into the hole. Actually, given Kitagawa, he might have thrown himself normally into the hole. It didn't matter. It caused an uproar. Sae gasped, wet and broken, and Goro reconsidered scaring off Shido's goon because being shot to death suddenly sounded a lot better than it had forty seconds ago.

"Good job, Yusuke!" Ren said, voice cracking with static from his enthusiasm. "Nice touch! They'll be talking about this for weeks!"

From the hole, the beanpole that was Yusuke Kitagawa raised a thumbs up. Takamaki fell to her knees and gave a cry that sounded like a cat with a live octopus on its head that suddenly found itself in a vat of half-melted ice cubes. 

"Bro," Sakamoto said, crouching down into a runner's ready position, "I'm comin' to join you, bro!!"

"Great job, everyone," said Ren as Sakamoto took off running right into the hole. "This is very believable."

Goro had enough.

With every last bit of resolve he had built up over his years of plotting revenge, he walked out of the funeral with a mildly upset look on his face. He walked past Shido's goons, walked past Okumura's staff, walked past the manor, and walked right out of the fancy gated driveway before he plucked the transceiver out his ear and crushed it in his fingers. 

He kept walking after that, onto the stretch of road that led into the Okumura estate. He clutched the broken transceiver in his hand and made sure there were no cars or people around.

Then he called Shido.

"Well?" 

"He's dead, sir," Goro said, adopting a smug, self-satisfactory tone despite the desire to scream into the sky that was churning around his gut. "I saw the casket buried. The rest of those fools are powerless without their leader."

"Good. Proceed as planned."

"Of course."

Shido hung up. Goro counted to ten, made it to four, then threw the remains of the transceiver onto the ground.

"MOTHERFUCKER," he shouted, stomping the transceiver to dust. He felt a bit better. He let himself breathe heavily for a moment to work out the rage inside him, then cleared his throat and straightened his clothes.

Right.

He was going to shoot Ren Amamiya in the fucking head for this god damned plan, and what the hell was wrong with the dick sucking son of a bitch to have not only come up with but also convince everyone else—including Goro himself!—to go through with it? The motherfucker was going to die by Goro's hand, and Goro was going to enjoy choking the piece of shit and watching the life fade from his eyes for making him endure the fucking disaster that was the funeral, and if Goro never had to see his handsome, conceited face ever again, then that would be a blessing and God could fucking suck it because He refused to smite everyone at the funeral and this was why Goro was an atheist— 

He stormed into Leblanc in the middle of his mental rant and stomped up the stairs. There, sitting on the bed, were Ren and Morgana.

"Uh oh," Morgana said. "I'm gonna go for a walk."

He scampered out the window, which was proof that the cat had more brain cells than anyone else on the team.

"Honey," Ren said as Goro bore down on him with the fury of exactly one Goro Akechi who had been forced to suffer through the most boneheaded plan in the history of the world, "you're looking a little scary."

"I am," Goro hissed, "going to kill you."

"The whole point of the plan was so that you didn't have to kill me."

"Fuck you."

"Okay."

And then, somehow, because the dick sucking was too good and Goro Akechi was starting to realize that he might have been as stupid as the rest of the Phantom Thieves, he did.

THE END


End file.
